Neckass has been "five minutes away" since 2019. He is at home.
He has said it to eleven people this year, according to a count by the Gazette. He has not left the house for any of them.
Today's issue
From the editor
Why a paper
This paper will report what he did. It will not say why, because nobody knows, least of all him.
— The editor
In brief
- Neckass read the room and disagreed with it.
- Neckass wrote "no rush" and followed up four minutes later.
- Neckass said he would sleep on it. That was in March, and he has slept well.
- Neckass told the group he had booked it. He had looked at it.
- Neckass said "keep the change" to a card reader.
- Neckass's houseplant has outlived three of his hobbies.
- Neckass responded "maybe" to his own birthday.
Corrections
- An earlier edition called Neckass's plan a plan. It is three words on a page. The Gazette regrets the error.
- The Gazette stated that Neckass had finished. He had stopped.
- We described Neckass's apology as an apology. It was the sentence "well, sorry you feel that way."
- An earlier edition quoted Neckass as saying "no worries." There were worries.
Weather
High 68°, low 51°. Winds W 6 mph. Sunset 7:10 p.m.
Sunny, according to Neckass, who has not been outside and is going by the window.
Classifieds
- PERSONAL: to the man who was five minutes away — we have gone home.
- FOUND: set of keys, outside the gym. Owner has never been inside.
- FOR SALE: bicycle, never ridden. Has lived in a hallway since 2022.
- WANTED: someone who can end a conversation with Neckass. Nobody has yet.
- WANTED: someone to smell some leftovers. They are nine days old. Urgent.
Letters
-
He has been five minutes away from my house for four years. I have moved.
— A former neighbor
-
I am in IT. The printer is out of paper. That is all that is wrong with it. That is all that has ever been wrong with it.
— IT