The Gazette

Standards

These are the rules for what goes in the paper and how it is written. They were adopted in the first week. They have been revised once, and nobody can say what changed.

General

  • If we are not sure, we print what he said and then say we could not confirm it.
  • Every count is somebody's, and we say whose: his roommate's, the gym's, our own.
  • Witnesses are named by what they are to him. Anonymity is granted to anyone who still has to see him. Nobody has been refused.
  • He is asked for comment on every item. He has never declined, and the comment is often the next item.
  • We do not say he was late. We say he arrived at 7:40 having told everyone seven.
  • We do not tell the reader how to take an item. We print what happened and stop.
  • When he explains himself, we print the explanation word for word. That is usually enough.
  • A second sentence is allowed if it adds a fact — a time, a number, who was there. "The matter has been noted" is not a fact.
  • Exclamation marks are reserved for the classifieds, where they have never been used.

On the term

  • The Gazette has never defined "neckass" and is not going to. Everyone on staff knows one when they see one, and they see one every day.
  • The word is set lowercase as a common noun and capitalized as the subject of this paper.
  • Do not try to explain the neck. It does not mean anything.

Varieties recognized by the desk

Routine neckassery. Small everyday failures: the alarm, the leftovers, the group chat. Most of the paper. He says he will do a thing and the same sentence says he did not.

Administrative neckassery. When a company, a committee, or his own out-of-office reply takes a formal position on him. Also covers anyone who studies the word, agrees he is one, and still cannot say what it means.

Neckass-adjacent. Close, but not confirmed. Also where the printer, the weather, and Tuesdays get filed when he calls them neckass, which he does.

Unprecedented neckassery. Worse than anything on file. Used rarely. Used twice by mistake.

Matters the Gazette will not file

  • Anything where it turned out he was right. It has happened twice, and both times it was worse.
  • Anything he has already been told about — unless he did it again, which he did.
  • Anything IT has asked us to stop covering. They have asked once, about the printer, and we have complied, mostly.